I'm going to try to share the nasty negative feelings that sprang up sometimes. They're feelings that most comics would probably understand, and would advise keep to yourself. They're right, for obvious reasons, which I'll get into. But to continue my comedy chronicles, and share what a newbie goes through, I should probably acknowledge them. Also, for me, knowing what it is that bothers me allows me to think about why that is, and that understanding can help one to get over it. Maybe.
When I started this, I gave myself a clear goal; to perform in front of an audience. Not an open mic with a large "civilian" population, but a show. I, sort of, got to do that with the 42 second show that I wrote about in an earlier post, but as of yet I don't really feel that I've reached my goal. And that's problem number one. By giving myself that predefined goal, any time I remind myself that I haven't achieved it, then I can't help but feel like somewhat of a failure. And that's because in the highly social world of comedy, you'll compare yourself to others. The thoughts and feelings for me go something like this:
---XXX got on a show? Why not me? Look, I'm not saying that I'm funnier than them, but I'm at least as funny as they are. Wait, what? YYY got a show?! Ok, now I know something's up, I'm definitely funnier than them. I must have pissed somebody off. Maybe I'm not funny. Ugh, it's ironic, I'm probably a big joke to everyone. No, eff that, I've been doing this long enough. I've been doing it longer than tons of people. But, if they're getting shows, then that's proof, concrete PROOF, that other people don't think that I'm funny, at least the people that matter. But I've gotten laughs, I swear I did! Screw this, I quit and I hate myself.---
It's easy, it's really easy, to fall into that spiral, to compare yourself to others and only focus on the negative. People are always looking up, i.e. what other people are getting that they aren't. But people almost never look down. What I mean is that you look at the people who get shows, and not the dozens, if not hundreds, of others who don't get on shows. Yeah, but they're losers, you might tell yourself, and you don't want to think of yourself as a loser. But it's not about winners or losers. At the risk of sounding like a cliched inspirational quote, I'll try to explain.
One of the things that you're constantly told is to work hard, keep doing it, be funny, etc. It's all nose to the grindstone talk, and the unspoken ending to that thought is that success will come. But that's not true; success MIGHT come, or it might not. There are countless words of advice to this effect. Marc Maron recently had a keynote at the Just For Laughs Festival last year that said these things better than I could. "This is not a meritocracy. Get over yourself." Drew Michael, a local for-real comedian, also did a post that speaks to these self pitying feelings, or at least the issues that these feelings are coming from. "Comedy owes you nothing" is his starting point, and it's something that any sad sack, myself included, should tell themselves. These are just a couple of examples that more eloquently explain why these feelings are misguided, worthless, etc.
But besides the addressing of the underlying issues, there's also the practical consequence of those feelings bubbling to the surface. Read that above ranty paragraph again. Would you want to be anywhere near a person who talks or thinks that way? That person is a buzzkill and a whiny baby. If you had a show, would you want to put them on? If you were a girl, and some guy was begging, on his knees, for a date, are you more, or less, likely to go out with him? Desperation and self pity is a stinky stink that's hard to wash off. So, keep it to yourself, or God, or whatever you want, but don't go proclaiming your sadness to the world. No one in this game is going to feel sorry for you, and it will only hurt you.
I know it's hard, it is, but just like bombing, it's something that you'll go through. Once you do, you'll realize that those feelings are silly. Very very silly. THAT's why they tell you keep working. It's not because of the "reward", which may never come, but because getting out there and continuing to try to get better is the only thing that matters. What that nose to grindstone stuff really means is "Shaddup wit you." It's like something that I've told other comics in the past when they've expressed these feelings: Nobody cares about you. When you're not around, you are never in their thoughts. You're not unique, and if you stopped coming around, no one would notice. You are a worthless cog in a broken machine. Keep that in your heart, and if you can fully know that and keep going, then you're on the right track, because then it's truly about you, and not what anybody else thinks of you.
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